Forgiveness

This is the first time I have started a writing, with a title. Usually the title comes after I am all said and done, attempting to capture the gist of what the writing had become. Well not today! Today I eagerly right clicked in the title box and without hesitation, typed Forgiveness. Forgiveness, just saying the word in my mind, sends shivers of emotions running through my being.

I have been having shivers ever since I was asked to write my thoughts, feelings and experiences about forgiveness. The word has snuck into every other thought, in every other minute.

My initial reaction, to trying to articulate and define what forgiveness is to me, left me equating it all to a cloud. Much like peace of mind or happiness, the more I tried to grasp it, hold onto it, squash it into the very roots of my being, the more elusive it became. And yet I sit here and say without any doubt, for me and my world, I have forgiveness in my roots. It is one of those thrilling realizations that I have never sat with, and the invitation to write about it has me going over the previous chapters, filling with gratitude, for the journey I have had.  For the forgiveness, that despite all my grasping or maybe because of all my grasping, I have had poured into my life and hopefully out of my life.

I was raised with forgiveness on the list of acts of obedience to God. Our way of saying thank you and we know how wretched we are so we will always strive to be as obedient to you as possible and in return we will be saved and have a blessed life. The list that contains how to live a godly life, which contains such things as, don’t lie, read your bible, be full of peace and love, with a servant's heart, pray, forgive or you will not be forgiven, tithe, be as godly as you can possibly be. So to put it lightly, the weight of forgiveness, was not a cherry on top of an ice cream sunday. No forgiveness was a heavy laden cloud of guilt and unfair responsibility, I was supposed to master and sprinkle on every wrong, done by another.  

Oh the list of things I must master, to do life right, to have a right life. Peace, joy, contentment, love, happiness, and forgiveness. I was surrounded with the choir of churches, parents, bible verses, bible studies and prayer groups, all joining in, with my internal voice, wanting to master, everything on this list, too. And the voices I was surrounded with were telling me, how all of these things on the list look like and how essential they were to live my life, before God, for God, while on this earth.

Yet nobody was telling me how you master this list. It was like I was on a guinea pig wheel. We would all be saying I want peace in my life, I want forgiveness for so and so, and faster and faster we would go around and around.

“How do we master it?” I would ask, “Obedience” is the answer, back to the list.

Mind over matter seemed to be the only rule of the wheel, instead of matter over mind. And by matter I mean what matters the most, me and what is going on within.

In my mind I can say that I have peace but who the fuck am I kidding when everything within is in turmoil? In my mind I can say I have forgiven so and so but why do I feel sick whenever I am around them?

Reflecting back, I can see how having forgiveness presented as an act of obedience to God, resulted in years of undermining hurts and wrongs in my life and jumping straight to the forgiving part of being human, surrounded by other harmful, unforgiving humans.

So for years I was great at “forgiving” but awful at feeling the hurt, and then I started to grow up. Very, very slowly, I might add.

One area, that the reality of the hurt seeped so slowly, was when I received a printed out list of facilities in every state but california, where I could go and live and have Leah. Coming home unmarried and pregnant was a direct act of disobedience towards God and man. Feeling the weight of my “transgression” I immediately jumped into the forgiveness arena and proceeded to hold nothing but forgiveness towards my parents and my first husband. Pushing aside the feelings of hurt ( I was in the wrong and the hurt was just there to bring me to repentance) I would undermine everything that was wrong and forgive them. As the years unfolded the impact of that hurt has seeped into my childrens lives, my life but it has been a slow seep and so has the forgiveness. Most days I am so grateful for the grace that covered me during this time, other days I think maybe I am a bit broken for not seeing such wrong for what it was.

As I started feeling the hurts, I quickly realized I had no clue how to forgive. I had not tasted and tried the power of forgiveness in my self, in my space, in my world.  

My struggle to really grasp forgiveness came from one of my deepest wounds. The hurts of my childhood, first marriage, miscarriage, family, parents, life all seeped into my being slowly so forgiveness for the inflictor and self, of from these hurts, seeped in slowly to, hand in hand with the healing.

But then I was thrown into a world where the loss of my nephew, had me surrounded with pain, and turmoil. I have never wanted forgiveness so fast and so furious. More so I had never felt such overwhelming pain and hurt.

I have come to learn that forgiveness is the evidence of a hurt that is healing or has healed. This quote by Lewis Smedes put it perfectly,  “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you”.

All acts of forgiveness lead back to self and start with a hurt. A wound, whether mental, emotional, or physical, leave a mark on our being and forgiveness becomes our internal trophy of a healed wound.

Forgiveness is a hard earned trophy, it is not a participation ribbon, it is only awarded to those who have dived into the depths of their wounds, allowing grace to fill those spaces. Much like peace of mind, you have to endure the battle of letting go all that is in conflict with it, before she appears.

You have to endure the battle of feeling the pain before forgiveness appears. Mahatma Gandhi says; "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

So what does this journey of strength entail?….if you find out, let me know :)

Actually, I think the journey of strength is different for everyone. No two journeys entail the same. Forgiveness falls into the category with peace of mind, creativity, humor, love, happiness, purpose, acceptance, grace, joy. It is soul work, it is a journey and soly unique to anyone who is in pursuit of such things and yet, all we can do is be in pursuit. Pay attention and listen to all the hurts, all the boulders, life and self, have placed in the path, preventing treasures of the universe. It seems like forgiveness and everything else in this category, of life, are our opportunities to participate with the universe, as we go wading through the crud of being human. Just at that moment when you cannot think you can be covered anymore, a cloak of beautiful, clean forgiveness appears and covers your heart. It is the participation with the universe, as the reward for wading through the crud of being human and it is the crud of being human that still gets to experience forgiveness and participate with the universe.