Can I dance just a little?

Well today in over a week I found myself give a genuine laugh and then this evening Leah came up to me and asked, "Can I dance just a little?" Grief has a way of sucking the life out of you and yet a nine year old asking a simple question can slap you in the face with the realization that sometimes you need to dance just a little. I am far from not feeling the pain and sadness yet I feel that I am a step closer to dancing like Safta always wanted me too.

We are back to the routine of school, dog park and laundry. Sam's birthday is this month so yesterday when we changed the calendar to December it suddenly became his birthday. So this morning on the way to school I asked him what kind of birthday party he would like.

"I don't know"

"Well last year you had a pirate party, how about a green eggs and ham party?"

"No, I don't want a green eggs and ham party"

"Well all you like to do is throw your stuffed animals into the tree and on the roof, how about a stuffed animal throwing party?"

"No I want a party like Austin"

"Ok what kind of party did Austin have?"

"I don't know his birthday is tomorrow"

So yeah as the planner of his birthday party I'm kinda feeling at a lost but it is Sam so whatever happens will happen.

I'm stuck

Ok I might be a cruel mom to record her misery but I cut out at the funniest part because right after she broke out in tears about her legs being stuck she continued with crying out that she needs to go to the bathroom. And her legs were really stuck and had fallen asleep under the mound of sand Ian had buried her under.

Life keeps on changing

Ok so I have this song that keeps going through my head and the chorus is...

Life keeps on changing. I ask it to stay the same but it won't listen. I just want you here like you are right now.

Well we had a great Thanksgiving (thank you Gita) and since we were in beach proximity that is where we headed. The coast always refreshes my soul and that is what I needed before heading to my parents house for the first time without the ability to give my Safta a hug. Of course we had to go to the beach with my brothers the day after we got there. As the song says, Life keeps on changing and as hard as it is at times I am learning to take deeper breaths, enjoy the moments that make memories and love with my whole being those that I love.

Safta's song

Make a Smilebox greeting

My dear Safta

My Safta passed away at one am this morning and sorrow is consuming. She gave us all one last smile as she gazed at her first granddaughter and her last great grandson. It will forever remain that last wonderful memory of a lifetime of wonderful memories. On Friday night when I heard that she was not doing well I wrote the following and I feel that as these words say, our Safta left us all, surrounded by the trees that she helped grow.

Surrounded by love through the seeds that you planted.

Surrounded by love through the seeds that you protected.

Surrounded by love through the plants that you watered.

Surrounded by love through the love that you shone.

Surrounded by love through the trees that you yielded,

though your love that you planted in each of us.

There remains nothing greater than to touch the lives of others, to love those that you call your own, and to cherish each and everyone for who they are. Your love is a part of me, a part of who I am, and a part of who my children are. Your love continues to grow in me, passed down to the seeds that I am planting and spreading to the depths of my life, my world.

These hands are the hands of the most loving Safta and our dear baby Ryan.

To say that Safta is going to be missed is inadequate to the depth of love that she shone on us all. Safta is not only going to be missed but there will forever remain a missing loved one at every holiday, every milestone, every family get-together. My sorrow is consumed with the thought that there remains no more memories to be made with my Safta, yet the joy in my heart comes from all the appreciation for every memory that we got to make. While at Safta's home I wanted to find a particular picture of her. In my mind I knew exactly which one it was and when I got home I tore through all my photo boxes to find it. When I found it I turned it over to see in Safta's writing;

To my Rachel-

May all your memories be serene happy ones.

I love you lots

Safta

I love you Safta, forever and today and yes all my memories are serene happy ones.

The all inclusive turkey

Sam was asked to write if he were to make thanksgiving diner what he would make and how. Here is what he wrote.

I would make a turkey. I would put corn inside a turkey. I would make it as fat as I can. I would put beans in there, a little bit of pumpkin pie and a little bit of chicken. I will put it in the oven for three minutes. I will wait for it to beep and be done and put a little bit of frosting on top and then put candy on top.

Yep I weekly await for Sam to have to write at least three sentences in answer to his teacher's question.

On another note Sam did the most disgusting thing last week. We have been having some cold days which has resulted in us making fires and keeping the pot on top of the firewood stove filled with water so our house does not become too dry. Well after a couple days of consecutive fires I was refilling the pot and overfilled it so I took off the lid to scoop some of the water out and lo and behold there was a baby lizard simmering in the boiling water.

Sam had caught a baby lizard about a week ago and when it died I had asked him where he put it. "In the trash" was his quick answer. Trash my butt.....Oh I was livid and despite my lack of smell I felt like my house had just been aroma filled of simmered lizard. I have never tasted lizard but for a couple days that was all I could taste whenever I breathed in. Yuck

Well I have to go and supervise the kids making their lunches for today or as Sam just said his stinky butt crack lunch.

White socks

Well this morning I asked Sam to get dressed and change his socks.

"Why?" was his reply

"well they are supposed to be white"

"They are supposed to be white?!?"

Sam is comprised of so much boy that apparently it was shocking news to hear that his white socks are actually supposed to be white and not a dirt color.

"Leah you need to get dressed too" was my next statement only to be followed by Sam adding in,

"And your socks are supposed to be white"

The kids learned a new song at church today and it made us laugh to hear Leah singing at dinner, "I have a c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n in my h-e-a-r-t ......"

I did not have the heart to ask her how a christian got into her heart.