This was written over two years ago, my son is now 15 and I am learning that I can stand by the wayside. There is still so much fight within him and he is still limiting his options. I am still expanding mine.
My son, 13 years old and so much fight within you. There is a huge part of me that does not want to engage with your inner fight. That part of me longs to stand on the wayside, a voice of encouragement for good, love, and longing to see you realize that there is no war. And yet I find that I cannot stand on the wayside. I love you!! I love you enough to be the wall of reality. I love you enough to be your wall. And as much as it breaks my heart, I love you enough to be the face of your war.
I am only really beginning to grasp the beautiful, freeing mindset of options. My options. Life is a fight, it takes energy, work every day. Every day I get to wake up and see the challenges of the day. What and how much work I have to pour into keeping myself and life in balance.
Growing up I was not aware of my options. I was not aware of the option to validate my feelings, explore my passions, embrace myself, embrace life. I was blessed to be taught how to work hard. I was taught not to question the plate of life before me but to work hard at the task at hand. I have been learning to balance the plate to suit my taste, my passions. It requires work, just as much as living with no options.
I suppose what I long to share with you is that life requires work. The work for not engaging in life is just as much work as it requires to fully engage in life. One option gets you to an inner and outer place that you long for. The other option takes just as much energy and gets you nowhere, not even the nowhere that you wouldn't mind, the nowhere that everything in you wants to avoid.
I wish that I could tell you that life is all beautiful. I wish I could tell you that life caters to your personal needs. I wish that security, peace, laughter, lightheartedness, gratitude, belonging, came effortlessly. I wish that clarity, wisdom, directions, and a manual, came with each day. I wish so much and yet as we embrace, this sacred opportunity of being alive, we discover that the good comes with the bad. Both fighting for our attention, both shaping the fiber of our lives. The most amazing aspect of being such masterpieces, is that we have options. We have the option to put our natural amount of energy into which ever aspect of life, we choose. We get to work towards the goal that we long to see within ourselves. We don't have to spend our limited energy trying to avoid who we are, we get to spend our energy on who we want to be.
I see so much greatness in you. I know, that you know, it's there. I see it calling you. I also see you keeping yourself from going there. Putting in the work that it takes, to be the man you want to be. I see you putting your energy into these inner wars. I know you are tired. I know that you want to be a good man. You have everything it takes. You have the option to work hard to become that man. Only you get to decide what and who you will become. What life you will live, what adventures you will create. What stories you will share. What life you will fully engage in. This is your life, above all I want you to live it!
I love you!!! I love you enough that I cannot stand by the wayside. I love you!!!
mom
ps I'll teach you how to put away the tent and set it up, only to put it away properly, this weekend. :)
My son, 13 years old and so much fight within you. There is a huge part of me that does not want to engage with your inner fight. That part of me longs to stand on the wayside, a voice of encouragement for good, love, and longing to see you realize that there is no war. And yet I find that I cannot stand on the wayside. I love you!! I love you enough to be the wall of reality. I love you enough to be your wall. And as much as it breaks my heart, I love you enough to be the face of your war.
I am only really beginning to grasp the beautiful, freeing mindset of options. My options. Life is a fight, it takes energy, work every day. Every day I get to wake up and see the challenges of the day. What and how much work I have to pour into keeping myself and life in balance.
Growing up I was not aware of my options. I was not aware of the option to validate my feelings, explore my passions, embrace myself, embrace life. I was blessed to be taught how to work hard. I was taught not to question the plate of life before me but to work hard at the task at hand. I have been learning to balance the plate to suit my taste, my passions. It requires work, just as much as living with no options.
I suppose what I long to share with you is that life requires work. The work for not engaging in life is just as much work as it requires to fully engage in life. One option gets you to an inner and outer place that you long for. The other option takes just as much energy and gets you nowhere, not even the nowhere that you wouldn't mind, the nowhere that everything in you wants to avoid.
I wish that I could tell you that life is all beautiful. I wish I could tell you that life caters to your personal needs. I wish that security, peace, laughter, lightheartedness, gratitude, belonging, came effortlessly. I wish that clarity, wisdom, directions, and a manual, came with each day. I wish so much and yet as we embrace, this sacred opportunity of being alive, we discover that the good comes with the bad. Both fighting for our attention, both shaping the fiber of our lives. The most amazing aspect of being such masterpieces, is that we have options. We have the option to put our natural amount of energy into which ever aspect of life, we choose. We get to work towards the goal that we long to see within ourselves. We don't have to spend our limited energy trying to avoid who we are, we get to spend our energy on who we want to be.
I see so much greatness in you. I know, that you know, it's there. I see it calling you. I also see you keeping yourself from going there. Putting in the work that it takes, to be the man you want to be. I see you putting your energy into these inner wars. I know you are tired. I know that you want to be a good man. You have everything it takes. You have the option to work hard to become that man. Only you get to decide what and who you will become. What life you will live, what adventures you will create. What stories you will share. What life you will fully engage in. This is your life, above all I want you to live it!
I love you!!! I love you enough that I cannot stand by the wayside. I love you!!!
mom
ps I'll teach you how to put away the tent and set it up, only to put it away properly, this weekend. :)
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