Dear Aunt Flo,
I begrudgingly begin this letter with a “dear”. There is nothing warm, endearing, or tender that comes to mind, when addressing you but alas, despite my feelings, a woman must contain some dignity.
I write you today, to discuss your monthly visit and strongly suggesting we eliminate them immediately and implement an alternative method, to keep in touch.
I am unsure if it is just my age, or the fact we have been have been meeting monthly for almost 25 years (minus a year here and there) but your monthly visits are becoming increasingly demanding and life sucking.
You arrive on your own schedule, without a thought or consideration to consistency or my life. Your baggage is arriving earlier and earlier, not to mention the larger quantity of disgusting packages that seem to appear on my doorstep, sometimes weeks before your arrival.
Small packages of impatience and forgetfulness greet me, long before a thought of your presence, should be a thought. You become a strain on my ability to think, while you run havoc with my feelings. You leave me discontent and ungrateful, while I have no energy and can’t seem to eat enough, crappy food.
Which is another issue that I would like to address. Your grocery bills due to your chocolate addiction. I mean, there are no golden tickets to willie wonka, you do not have to spend all your money, buying up all the chocolates. Not only does the grocery bill go up but the washing piles up, the bills pile up, dishes pile up and my thoughts pile up. Life is an expensive chaotic space, when you and your baggage are in it. Cleanliness, sanity and the laundry all become overwhelming tasks or forgotten ones.
When did I start that load that has been sitting in the washing machine, well, when did aunt flo’s first package arrive, so the day before that….
I understand that we are family and your monthly visits are a general part of life, but I am over them. They are no longer, long-weekend visits but you literally consume and destroy entire weeks of every month. And despite what you think, you are not the only family member that I have in my life! I have a long suffering husband who has acquired an act for identifying your baggage, before your arrival, and he has become accustomed to be in the dog house, the duration of your stay. I have children, who seem to know, to walk gingerly around me, while attending to their ps and qs, so they don’t end up in the dog house, with dad. I have friends and family, I have a life, gosh darn it and you are a big blob of yucky negativity. Quit getting that stuff all over, you can send your baggage to another address, or the jungle, or the desert, you may take your family time and spend it alone. I am over our monthly visits, I am over your yucky negative energy in my space. I can say till I am red in the face that you are not welcome here anymore but regardless of my thoughts, feelings and actions, you never get the message. I am so over you!!! You are the very worst relative, with no regard to my personal boundaries and life.
So my dear aunt flo, with all the good intentions of your “not-pregnant” announcements and womb cleaning, your monthly stays are just down right too consuming, I would like to strongly suggest that you would kindly, just sent a postcard once a month, announcing that I am not pregnant. The room does not need to be cleaned out anymore. It will never be used again.
Thank you and take care.
Comments