I was talking to Ian yesterday about this upcoming weekend. I have a girls trip planned. We rented a house and an interesting array of girls signed up to go.
Being a bit of an introvert I was sharing with Ian how I am going to make this weekend special for me (for my birthday). I uttered the words that I am turning 36 and suddenly started crying. Ian glanced at me, in awkwardness, and said, "36 is not that old" followed by a reassuring smile, full of love.
It wasn't until I verbally had expressed the passing of another year, that I realized how emotional I was over this issue of time passing, myself turning older. I am currently 35 and finally feel like I have mastered a few basics of life. Not that I am a master of any of these areas but for me, these areas do not remain out of my abilities, they no longer leave me feeling like I am completely inept at these little things that constitute life.
I am proud to say that I know how to cook. Food, seasonings, the kitchen are no longer a domain of uncertainty and intimidation. There is so much I would still love to learn but I now have an ounce and a tablespoon of confidence that I can feed my family without major panic.
I have also learned how to clean. Not that anything in my house would be considered clean by a clean person's standard but I know how to clean a room to "it's clean to me" standard. And every 5th week I might tackle an aspect of the house that would leave even that space clean to a clean person's standard. But one must catch that space at just that moment or all evidence of cleanliness is gone.
I have learned to let go and yet set goals. I have learned to walk. I have learned the value of friendship. I have learned the quietness of stolen moments. I have learned to find silence in noise. I have learned to appreciate everyone for exactly where they are at. I have learned so much and yet I am forever a student. I am forever learning but the thing that sent the tears streaming down my face, while talking to Ian, was the fact that of all that I have learned the most impactful thing I have been learning in life, is me.
I have been learning about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my interests, my smiles, and frowns. How I tick and what gets me ticking. I shed, maybe 12 tears yesterday but I can tell you what each tear stands for. The tears were a deep sorrow over the passing of time, the limit of time, the restraints of time. I want to do the last 35 years again. Not to change anything but to have so much more clarity while walking all those years. I want to go back and see what opportunities I missed due to myself not knowing me yet. The tears were shed over the fact I can't go back and as of right now there is not enough time to sample all of the world that I want to taste. At 36 I have so much to pour myself into and yet I feel like there is not enough time to pour myself completely into all the things that interest me. I would love to spend 50 years learning about writing. Another at learning how to draw, painting. I would love to spend another 50 years or so to learn how to have a bee farm. A regular farm. A garden. Another 50 years or so to really learn how to fish, make my own bait. I would love to spend 50 years or so to learn how to do pottery. Stain-glass. But in all honesty I would love to spend at least 50 years, under the guidance of a master, how to work with wood. The old school way. The time when you would spend years on a piece. No power tools just the basics, your vision, and a beautiful piece of raw wood.
As I have been learning about myself I have noticed that it has come in handy, in all aspects of my life. As I pay attention to me I am healthier and in turn am able to pay better attention to others. Life seems to have lost all its fog and I am able to see clearer. Maybe its just that I am not trying to look down the path through other peoples eyes. It's like I have been wearing other people's glasses and my vision has been blurry. Only I have the perfect vision to walk my life. Much like Ian has the perfect vision to walk his life and each of my kids, while still growing into their vision, have the perfect vision for their lives too.
So walking into my 36th time around the sun I am so excited, hopeful, and honored. Life, although time gives you no regard, is an amazing journey that we each have the privilege of walking. Walking with our own vision, helping us see the perfect path for our souls. I am going to be open to opportunities to nurture my being. I am going to grab those opportunities to learn about writing, creating, learning. I am going to seek out masters of these areas and pray the stars align and maybe just one will take me under their wings.
Being a bit of an introvert I was sharing with Ian how I am going to make this weekend special for me (for my birthday). I uttered the words that I am turning 36 and suddenly started crying. Ian glanced at me, in awkwardness, and said, "36 is not that old" followed by a reassuring smile, full of love.
It wasn't until I verbally had expressed the passing of another year, that I realized how emotional I was over this issue of time passing, myself turning older. I am currently 35 and finally feel like I have mastered a few basics of life. Not that I am a master of any of these areas but for me, these areas do not remain out of my abilities, they no longer leave me feeling like I am completely inept at these little things that constitute life.
I am proud to say that I know how to cook. Food, seasonings, the kitchen are no longer a domain of uncertainty and intimidation. There is so much I would still love to learn but I now have an ounce and a tablespoon of confidence that I can feed my family without major panic.
I have also learned how to clean. Not that anything in my house would be considered clean by a clean person's standard but I know how to clean a room to "it's clean to me" standard. And every 5th week I might tackle an aspect of the house that would leave even that space clean to a clean person's standard. But one must catch that space at just that moment or all evidence of cleanliness is gone.
I have learned to let go and yet set goals. I have learned to walk. I have learned the value of friendship. I have learned the quietness of stolen moments. I have learned to find silence in noise. I have learned to appreciate everyone for exactly where they are at. I have learned so much and yet I am forever a student. I am forever learning but the thing that sent the tears streaming down my face, while talking to Ian, was the fact that of all that I have learned the most impactful thing I have been learning in life, is me.
I have been learning about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my interests, my smiles, and frowns. How I tick and what gets me ticking. I shed, maybe 12 tears yesterday but I can tell you what each tear stands for. The tears were a deep sorrow over the passing of time, the limit of time, the restraints of time. I want to do the last 35 years again. Not to change anything but to have so much more clarity while walking all those years. I want to go back and see what opportunities I missed due to myself not knowing me yet. The tears were shed over the fact I can't go back and as of right now there is not enough time to sample all of the world that I want to taste. At 36 I have so much to pour myself into and yet I feel like there is not enough time to pour myself completely into all the things that interest me. I would love to spend 50 years learning about writing. Another at learning how to draw, painting. I would love to spend another 50 years or so to learn how to have a bee farm. A regular farm. A garden. Another 50 years or so to really learn how to fish, make my own bait. I would love to spend 50 years or so to learn how to do pottery. Stain-glass. But in all honesty I would love to spend at least 50 years, under the guidance of a master, how to work with wood. The old school way. The time when you would spend years on a piece. No power tools just the basics, your vision, and a beautiful piece of raw wood.
As I have been learning about myself I have noticed that it has come in handy, in all aspects of my life. As I pay attention to me I am healthier and in turn am able to pay better attention to others. Life seems to have lost all its fog and I am able to see clearer. Maybe its just that I am not trying to look down the path through other peoples eyes. It's like I have been wearing other people's glasses and my vision has been blurry. Only I have the perfect vision to walk my life. Much like Ian has the perfect vision to walk his life and each of my kids, while still growing into their vision, have the perfect vision for their lives too.
So walking into my 36th time around the sun I am so excited, hopeful, and honored. Life, although time gives you no regard, is an amazing journey that we each have the privilege of walking. Walking with our own vision, helping us see the perfect path for our souls. I am going to be open to opportunities to nurture my being. I am going to grab those opportunities to learn about writing, creating, learning. I am going to seek out masters of these areas and pray the stars align and maybe just one will take me under their wings.
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