The kids started school today. I have been sensing and joking about being, touched with a whisper of depression, over them starting school and then suddenly this morning came.
Backpacks, lunch boxes, new clothes, shoes, bus passes, school ids, a rushed morning and quick drop offs.
The whisper of depression turned into a steady, firm voice. My being aches. I carry my music around with me as a musical blanket of solace. I long to pin point what the ache is but am left to know that like a meadow, it is composed of so much. The ache of sending the kids off, all day, every day. the ache of the carefree summer days over. The ache of un-walked walks on the beach. The ache of change, of time rearing it's head, announcing once again, with no regards to my state of being, that time is passing faster than yesterday. That yesterday passed too fast and tomorrows will be here before I am ready.
As a mom who loves her kids sooo much I always want to fill these seconds, that constitute the passing of time, with tender moments. Clarity of mind, sweetness of voice, appreciation oozing from my presence for this very moment, for each of them.
And so I have to gaze back at this morning, that startled me from my groggy, 5 hour slumber. I overhear Sam and Leah busily, nervously, jokingly getting ready for their first day in 9th grade and 7th grade. I jumped out of bed, realizing that the sound volume on my alarm was at an inaudible volume. Grabbed the last three pieces of paper from the printer and a sharpie before my eyes had adjusted to being open. I quickly scrawl out on the first paper. 9th grade High School, I hand it to Leah, pausing in awe at her beauty, her hair done perfectly, her make up just right, her composed demeanor as she ties her van shoes. I grab my camera as an overwhelming state of numbness settles over my heart, my first baby, my daughter is going to high school. I might be in-between a dream and a morning rush, my heart might have stopped beating at the thought of this 9th grade woman, just yesterday a little doll in my arms. I have to take her picture. I have to snap this moment since I am unable to be fully in it. I need it to remain so much longer than these passing seconds are permitting me.
My fog is startled as this ball of nervous energy circles me. I quickly grab the next paper and scrawl, 7th grade, glancing over at this boy who stands taller than me. Watching him triple check his hair in the mirror. The smile that covers his face does not fool my eyes, as I see nervousness, poorly covered with a cool, carefree attitude layered behind his grin. He is cool, he is gonna play it all cool. He is gonna make everyone laugh. I take his picture. Wishing that I had gotten up earlier and made him a huge man size breakfast, like a good mom would have done. Wishing that I could pour syrup all over his nervousness and we gobbled it up as he rambles on about dirt and being 12. He rolls his eyes at me and grabs his backpack, dutifully taking his seat in the backseat.
Time to go... I clamor into the driver's seat, start the car, buckle, wishing that we could go out for breakfast next to the ocean. Wanting the time to stop, the clock to go back. I run over the 4 absolutely necessary items for the first day of school. Do you have your lunch, bus pass, school id, and class schedule? My hand on the gear pauses as I hear Sam open his backpack and with the passing seconds the recognizable frantic noise of search, filled the car. "Mom I don't have my wallet!!" Out of the car he tumbles, quickly followed by Leah, who helps him search for the missing wallet that contains his bus pass and id. I proceed to unbuckle and reach around to search his backpack for myself. The calm, the clarity of mind, the sweetness of voice, the appreciation for this moment ran from me faster than a mouse from a cat. His backpack, that contains not a scrap of food, an empty folder, two pencils, his class schedule and his friends tablet, leaves my being full of wtf! I follow the kids into the house and help with the unprofitable search meanwhile finding the my mouth spewing ugliness in the general direction of Sam. The most undesirable, first day of school, energy consume me. Gone is the grace, I just start yelling, Just get in the car!!! We are going to be late!!!
The bus stop from our house is not far enough away to regain my calm, my motherly sweetness and tenderness. Sam blunders out of the car and all I have in me is to mutter, "good luck". Good Luck....wtf am I thinking? Here is my boy just as ruffled, on his way to face his first day of 7th grade and all I have to offer is, good luck. Before I could really enter that room that mothers go when they know that they just screwed up a moment they can't get back, Leah is out of the car and on her way to High School. I don't know exactly what I said to her but I know that it was not good luck and there was a "love you" in there.
Back home and we have two hours before my nervous 3rd grader needs to leave the house. All I want to do is rewind the clock and start over but my focus and energy needs to go in calming my beautiful, nervous wreck. We talk about friends and load her lunch box up with crap and grapes. Turn a show on since she is waiting by the door with her backpack on and 1 hour 37 min to go. Make some tea, breathe, find some underwear for Tela who seems to always prefer commando despite her only wearing dresses. Yell at Hawthorne who senses all the energy and change of the morning and is hoping for an extra large breakfast, or attention, or attention and a huge breakfast followed by the girls breakfast for his breakfast dessert. He just wants to be under my feet and in my face and I still find my mind going back to that mental room of mother screw ups. Time passes much slower now and we finally get to leave. Insisting that I drop her off in the front of the school, we exchange kisses, a hug, and some encouraging words. Out the door she goes and we pull off since the line of cars has piled up behind me.
Driving home Tela starts crying cause she does not want her hair in a bun and I start internally crying cause I have no say over time, over my little loves growing up, over summer being over, and that, then suddenly school has begun.
Backpacks, lunch boxes, new clothes, shoes, bus passes, school ids, a rushed morning and quick drop offs.
The whisper of depression turned into a steady, firm voice. My being aches. I carry my music around with me as a musical blanket of solace. I long to pin point what the ache is but am left to know that like a meadow, it is composed of so much. The ache of sending the kids off, all day, every day. the ache of the carefree summer days over. The ache of un-walked walks on the beach. The ache of change, of time rearing it's head, announcing once again, with no regards to my state of being, that time is passing faster than yesterday. That yesterday passed too fast and tomorrows will be here before I am ready.
As a mom who loves her kids sooo much I always want to fill these seconds, that constitute the passing of time, with tender moments. Clarity of mind, sweetness of voice, appreciation oozing from my presence for this very moment, for each of them.
And so I have to gaze back at this morning, that startled me from my groggy, 5 hour slumber. I overhear Sam and Leah busily, nervously, jokingly getting ready for their first day in 9th grade and 7th grade. I jumped out of bed, realizing that the sound volume on my alarm was at an inaudible volume. Grabbed the last three pieces of paper from the printer and a sharpie before my eyes had adjusted to being open. I quickly scrawl out on the first paper. 9th grade High School, I hand it to Leah, pausing in awe at her beauty, her hair done perfectly, her make up just right, her composed demeanor as she ties her van shoes. I grab my camera as an overwhelming state of numbness settles over my heart, my first baby, my daughter is going to high school. I might be in-between a dream and a morning rush, my heart might have stopped beating at the thought of this 9th grade woman, just yesterday a little doll in my arms. I have to take her picture. I have to snap this moment since I am unable to be fully in it. I need it to remain so much longer than these passing seconds are permitting me.
My fog is startled as this ball of nervous energy circles me. I quickly grab the next paper and scrawl, 7th grade, glancing over at this boy who stands taller than me. Watching him triple check his hair in the mirror. The smile that covers his face does not fool my eyes, as I see nervousness, poorly covered with a cool, carefree attitude layered behind his grin. He is cool, he is gonna play it all cool. He is gonna make everyone laugh. I take his picture. Wishing that I had gotten up earlier and made him a huge man size breakfast, like a good mom would have done. Wishing that I could pour syrup all over his nervousness and we gobbled it up as he rambles on about dirt and being 12. He rolls his eyes at me and grabs his backpack, dutifully taking his seat in the backseat.
Time to go... I clamor into the driver's seat, start the car, buckle, wishing that we could go out for breakfast next to the ocean. Wanting the time to stop, the clock to go back. I run over the 4 absolutely necessary items for the first day of school. Do you have your lunch, bus pass, school id, and class schedule? My hand on the gear pauses as I hear Sam open his backpack and with the passing seconds the recognizable frantic noise of search, filled the car. "Mom I don't have my wallet!!" Out of the car he tumbles, quickly followed by Leah, who helps him search for the missing wallet that contains his bus pass and id. I proceed to unbuckle and reach around to search his backpack for myself. The calm, the clarity of mind, the sweetness of voice, the appreciation for this moment ran from me faster than a mouse from a cat. His backpack, that contains not a scrap of food, an empty folder, two pencils, his class schedule and his friends tablet, leaves my being full of wtf! I follow the kids into the house and help with the unprofitable search meanwhile finding the my mouth spewing ugliness in the general direction of Sam. The most undesirable, first day of school, energy consume me. Gone is the grace, I just start yelling, Just get in the car!!! We are going to be late!!!
The bus stop from our house is not far enough away to regain my calm, my motherly sweetness and tenderness. Sam blunders out of the car and all I have in me is to mutter, "good luck". Good Luck....wtf am I thinking? Here is my boy just as ruffled, on his way to face his first day of 7th grade and all I have to offer is, good luck. Before I could really enter that room that mothers go when they know that they just screwed up a moment they can't get back, Leah is out of the car and on her way to High School. I don't know exactly what I said to her but I know that it was not good luck and there was a "love you" in there.
Back home and we have two hours before my nervous 3rd grader needs to leave the house. All I want to do is rewind the clock and start over but my focus and energy needs to go in calming my beautiful, nervous wreck. We talk about friends and load her lunch box up with crap and grapes. Turn a show on since she is waiting by the door with her backpack on and 1 hour 37 min to go. Make some tea, breathe, find some underwear for Tela who seems to always prefer commando despite her only wearing dresses. Yell at Hawthorne who senses all the energy and change of the morning and is hoping for an extra large breakfast, or attention, or attention and a huge breakfast followed by the girls breakfast for his breakfast dessert. He just wants to be under my feet and in my face and I still find my mind going back to that mental room of mother screw ups. Time passes much slower now and we finally get to leave. Insisting that I drop her off in the front of the school, we exchange kisses, a hug, and some encouraging words. Out the door she goes and we pull off since the line of cars has piled up behind me.
Driving home Tela starts crying cause she does not want her hair in a bun and I start internally crying cause I have no say over time, over my little loves growing up, over summer being over, and that, then suddenly school has begun.
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