What an amazing, crazy, busy, smiley, crazy, fun month to start off our summer. I told Ian yesterday that I am really looking forward to a quiet week at home so I can tidy up and start planning the summer. And then I blinked and we are almost done with June.
I do not know where it came from and why I hold onto it but I feel guilty if I am worn out and tired. Like there are points against me if I do not have enough energy for the day. If I am ready for bed at 4 pm. As if there is something wrong, with feeling like, I have been on an endless and continually pace changing treadmill for the last year or 10.
So all in all I took a straight forward and mentally aggressive approach to my guilt and decided, dog dang it and all that is holy, I am MORE than entitled to feel worn out and exhausted for the next 10 years. I get to be tired, worn out and if I deduct merit points for myself, in my head, than I need to have a reality check with just everything that is on my plate and give myself a break or better yet, a nap. And if anyone thinks that I should not be sitting down than please come and walk in my shoes, preferably I would really appreciate it if it were at dinner time that you chose to fill my shoes. Just saying.
So back to this month. Johnny came home from Israel and oh how my heart sung to see his face. Not only did I get the joy of seeing his face but we (all 8 siblings, 9 cousins, 4 spouses, and 2 parents) got to spend, what will forever be, a memorial weekend together.
People look at me crazy for having 4 kids (Ian and myself included) but I think one of the most heartfelt reasons that I wanted to go through the torture of raising four different personalities was primarily due to the relationships that I have with my siblings. There are no other relationships that I have found, outside of Ian, that are so easy for me and bring my heart so much warmth and love. An understanding of who I am and where I am coming from with all of my craziness. There is a closeness that I cherish, it leaves my heart overflowing with gratitude. It is these beautiful relationships that I have come to appreciate so much that I long for my children to have with each other when they are grown. This is family, I say, and my eyes water or maybe it is just the fatigue but either way I get to be thankful.
Johnny came and spent 24 hours in my world, at my home, along side me through the chaos of my day. I love when anyone, who obviously does not know what they are getting into, enters my world. During that time I wish I could have bottled our conversations. He is such a poet, tender hearted and smart. Lover of knowledge with an adventurous soul. We talked of our past year, of tears and trials, laughter and pride. We talked about those moments that moved us, challenging us to look at our souls and who we are. We talked about the future and our dreams and then of the unknown reality.
Ian is playing guitar on the bed right now and my tension of the days is melting with each new chord.
Life is truly a journey. Nothing is scripted even the parts that we have written down with all its crossed t and dotted i.
I get to laugh, I get to live in the moments or not, I get to feel exhausted, I get to feel mad, sad, happy, silly and zoned out. This is my journey. It is good.
I do not know where it came from and why I hold onto it but I feel guilty if I am worn out and tired. Like there are points against me if I do not have enough energy for the day. If I am ready for bed at 4 pm. As if there is something wrong, with feeling like, I have been on an endless and continually pace changing treadmill for the last year or 10.
So all in all I took a straight forward and mentally aggressive approach to my guilt and decided, dog dang it and all that is holy, I am MORE than entitled to feel worn out and exhausted for the next 10 years. I get to be tired, worn out and if I deduct merit points for myself, in my head, than I need to have a reality check with just everything that is on my plate and give myself a break or better yet, a nap. And if anyone thinks that I should not be sitting down than please come and walk in my shoes, preferably I would really appreciate it if it were at dinner time that you chose to fill my shoes. Just saying.
So back to this month. Johnny came home from Israel and oh how my heart sung to see his face. Not only did I get the joy of seeing his face but we (all 8 siblings, 9 cousins, 4 spouses, and 2 parents) got to spend, what will forever be, a memorial weekend together.
People look at me crazy for having 4 kids (Ian and myself included) but I think one of the most heartfelt reasons that I wanted to go through the torture of raising four different personalities was primarily due to the relationships that I have with my siblings. There are no other relationships that I have found, outside of Ian, that are so easy for me and bring my heart so much warmth and love. An understanding of who I am and where I am coming from with all of my craziness. There is a closeness that I cherish, it leaves my heart overflowing with gratitude. It is these beautiful relationships that I have come to appreciate so much that I long for my children to have with each other when they are grown. This is family, I say, and my eyes water or maybe it is just the fatigue but either way I get to be thankful.
Johnny came and spent 24 hours in my world, at my home, along side me through the chaos of my day. I love when anyone, who obviously does not know what they are getting into, enters my world. During that time I wish I could have bottled our conversations. He is such a poet, tender hearted and smart. Lover of knowledge with an adventurous soul. We talked of our past year, of tears and trials, laughter and pride. We talked about those moments that moved us, challenging us to look at our souls and who we are. We talked about the future and our dreams and then of the unknown reality.
Ian is playing guitar on the bed right now and my tension of the days is melting with each new chord.
Comments
One day you need to write a book! Jealous and so happy for you of the little extra time you had with Johnny! We are so blessed and lucky to have each other! Love you and miss you tons! ♥ Danya