In the quiet, I want my typed words to whisper themselves onto the screen in fear that the noise of anything could tear down my temporary, blissful wall of silence. I might be over exaggerating but as a mom of 4 who is single momming it again (Ian is on call) there are these overly blissful moments between the kids falling asleep and myself mentally and physically falling into zone out land. These rare moments that my mind still wants to feel cohesive and my body is still upright.
Emma told me the other day after a long sigh, " I just wish that I could always be a kid." I think one of the biggest things that I have come to realize is that you never know how wonderful something is until time has passed and the blissful present has become the past. So with that awareness within me I long to treasure each day. Stop and smell the roses and above all appreciate where I am right now and each one of my blessed children. Embracing them in all their uniqueness and current ages.
So everyday I awake, breathing in the diaper and dog infused air, I glance out through the cracks between the curtains, praying that after awaking 5 times in the last 8 hours, this time the sun is up and I can officially begin a new day. So between the urges to yell at the kids to, please for-the-love-of-all-thats-holy, do not use my bed as their personal trampoline and attempting to put a new diaper on Tela without the aid of any clear vision in my bloodshot and blurry eyes. I grind down my teeth a little more and squeeze out a smile with a "Good morning everyone" Half listen to three different dreams and nightmares as I go to do my not-at-all-private, all inclusive relieve myself in the morning. Lord help us all, this day has begun.
Grab the baby right before she falls off the bed, yell at my dog as he is under my feet begging for breakfast before I have even turned the coffee pot on (who does he think he is and exactly who told him he is above me in the pecking order of things) Baby in the highchair, kids at the table, and since when did the coffee machine decide to take so long. Doesn't it know that coffee is about the only way I am going to be able to wake up enough to appreciate the feeling of being awake this morning let alone trying to appreciate the feeling of being alive. The only mental saving grace is that this is just the morning and I have the rest of the day to treasure, plenty of time to stop and smell the roses. Quick try and say something funny that ends with a "I love you" to the kids so that they don't go to school with yet another morning memory of their mother on the verge of losing it.
Ready to seize the day.... laundry, baby, shopping, baby, cleaning, baby, preschool, baby, cleaning, errands, baby, get the kids from school, baseball practice, baby, dinner, homework, baby, stories, bed, baby. Everyday for the most part I awake with the desire to treasure this day and each one of my children but by 8 am (this is being generous) I find myself mentally frazzled, physically spent, and emotionally awaiting the day to run away with Ian. I carry my journal with me in the car waiting and wanting to write down and not forget the little things the kids have done and are saying. My last entry was at the end of February and it just has the date and ..... there was something I wanted to write in here.
Laugh my dear friends because I am laughing too. This phase of my life, despite all my good intentions to embrace each day along with each child, has left my brain far behind.
So if there is no blogs for quite some time do not think for one second that it is from lack of desire. Oh no it is merely from lack of mental clarity. :) Feel free to support my attempts of alertness and touching reality, I accept all sorts of money, coffee and Starbuck gift cards. Thanks
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