I am due in two weeks but if you were to ask Muna this baby could come any given day. Any given day can bring forth so much joy yet any given day can bring life changing sorrow.
I have not blogged since finding out we were pregnant on the one year anniversary of Safta leaving her body. A day that flooded me with missing her to a pee stick that seemed to yell, "Life continues and new joys are to be found."
Since then Sam has turned 8, Emma is now 4 and oh so proud of it, and as Emma exclaims "the baby in your belly is getting sooo big." The joys and chaos of life continues. School for Leah and Sam who proudly graduated from 4th and 2nd grade. Emma, my constant companion during the days and at every doctor appointment. Oh and then the joyous approach of summer. Warm days, popsicles, lots of family time and wonderful plans being made.
Our annual camping trip, that thanks to Ian's parents, was not going to be spent sleeping on the floor of a tent but in the comfort of a rental house. The much anticipated day finally came, our house was filled with excited anticipation of all the natural joys we knew were going to fill our next few days.
No one knew that this day would change our lives forever. Aiden would not wake up. The spiral of helplessness, questions, anguish, heartache, tears, bewilderment and loss engulfed the family like the wave of a tsunami. This was not real and it was not happening to us.
It has been four weeks today since Jen couldn't wake Aiden up. Four weeks of heartache so intense it hurts to breathe. Tears that flow without rhyme or reason other than your sorrow needs to escape somehow. Four weeks of questions.... medical questions, emotional questions, and spiritual questions. Feeling that maybe if some of the questions were answered that it would not hurt so much yet knowing the whole time that it is not answers but time itself that might ease some of the pain.
Yet I continue to feel that any day now I am going to wake up from this nightmare. Any day now Aiden is going to come running up to me with his glorious smile and arms stretched wide. Any day now the kids will have their cousin back, the grandparents will have their grandson back, the uncles and aunts will have their nephew back and the mother will have her peanut back. Any day now
I wonder and question why God would have us love and be loved only to have the source taken from us so suddenly and so soon. Are all these 'any days' intertwined with eternity and once our souls have moved on than we will be living in that 'any day' NOW. And as I wait for the day to come when I might, for a moment, understand why our dear Aiden was taken from us so suddenly and so young. I find that life has continued. Sometimes so slow that the treasure and ache of a minute is pressed against me and other times so fast that I fear I just missed an answer to one of my million questions. The kids seem to thrust adults into a realm of reality and the present. This little girl inside of me, kicking with life, continuing with her first announcement on a pee stick, "Life continues and new joys are to be found" she seems to have been predestined to be a life of reassurance and comfort.
She will not have met her cousin but she will know him because in his almost six years of life he would fill any given day up with a hug and conversation. He was and will always be a massive part of the family. A family that is going to have to figure out a new way to function but a family non the less that is going to take each and any given day to let each other know how much we love each other and how precious each life is.
So little Miss. No Name go easy on me these last two weeks, please can we make it to the hospital before your grand entry, and welcome to your family that in time of heartache love you so tenderly and so much.
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